In only nine days, I move out of the house and into the apartment with the girls. Three days later is my first college class. Bizarre? Quite.
I'm going to miss the laid back vibe that laces every summer day, the way that that guttural guilt is missing from your stomach after a day spent doing nothing! However, I am looking forward to starting classes. It will be a welcome challenge, and an enjoyable one as I intend to put all my effort towards making spectacular grades, something I have not done in a long time. This semester should be a nice way to ease back into hard work, since my courses are ones that I will likely find fascinating and natural enough to care about. See, the chemistry is coming. Oh yes. Because I am a premed Psychology major. Woo! Basic requirements for med school are:
-two semesters of General Chemistry and Gen Chem Lab (8-10 credits)
-two semesters of Organic Chemistry and Organic Chem Lab (8-10 credits)
-two semesters of Physics and Physics Lab (8-10 credits)
-two semesters of Biological Sciences and Biological Science Lab (8-10 credits)
-one or two semesters of Calculus
-Statistics and Humanities classes
-a score of 28-32/45 on the MCAT
-record of community service
-GPA: 3.7+
So, yeah. Scary, but I'm going for it. Now enough of the academic stuff. I want SHOPPING NOW.
-Jeans that fit like a dream!
-dark blue wash
-grey wash
-black wash, maybe
-Dresses that can be dressed up or down!
-Basic, amazing black pumps
-Brown pumps
-Nude pumps
-cute, casual sandals
-thin belts:
-black
-brown
-2 pairs of wear-with-anything comfy flats
-Shirts
-Skirts?
Yeah, I blame StyleDiary for my recent need to spend all the money in the world on clothes.
Wednesday, August 13, 2008
Tuesday, July 1, 2008
Crap, I need to get a job! I've just been chilling and getting to know myself so much that it's already July. AHH. I'm making to-do before I die lists.
Movies to See:
Casablanca
The Other Boleyn Girl
The Maltese Falcon
Alien
North by Northwest
Pulp Fiction
Gangs of New York
Garden State
Dead Poets Society
Memento
The Shawshank Redemption
Schindler's List
Roman Holiday
Funny Face
Crash
Activities:
Go skydiving.
Go scuba diving.
Write a fan letter!
Fall in love.
Write a book.
Go on a REAL 1st date (awkward style!)
Sleep under the stars.
Go camping with friends.
Go on a road trip!
Kiss someone I just met.
Places to Go:
Big Sur (on the Pacific Suncoast Highway)
Orcas Island (in the San Juan Islands, WA)
Sun Valley, Idaho
Sedona, Arizona
The Grand Canyon
New York City
Niagara Falls
Alaska
San Francisco, CA
Seattle, WA
Chicago, IL
Russia
China
Japan
Ireland
Books to Read:
The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night Time (Mark Haddon)
Wuthering Heights (Emily Bronte)
Pride & Prejudice (Jane Austen)
Atonement (Ian McEwan)
Choke (Chuck Palahniuk)
The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy (Douglas Adams)
A Confederacy of Dunces (John Kennedy O'Toole)
The Belljar (Sylvia Plathe)
A Clockwork Orange (Anthony Burgess)
Naked Lunch (William Burroughs)
The Catcher in the Rye (J.D. Salinger)
1984 (George Orwell)
The Invisible Man (H.G. Wells)
The Counte of Monte Cristo (Alexandre Dumas)
The Host (Stephenie Meyer)
Movies to See:
Casablanca
The Other Boleyn Girl
The Maltese Falcon
Alien
North by Northwest
Pulp Fiction
Gangs of New York
Garden State
Dead Poets Society
Memento
The Shawshank Redemption
Schindler's List
Roman Holiday
Funny Face
Crash
Activities:
Go skydiving.
Go scuba diving.
Write a fan letter!
Fall in love.
Write a book.
Go on a REAL 1st date (awkward style!)
Sleep under the stars.
Go camping with friends.
Go on a road trip!
Kiss someone I just met.
Places to Go:
Big Sur (on the Pacific Suncoast Highway)
Orcas Island (in the San Juan Islands, WA)
Sun Valley, Idaho
Sedona, Arizona
The Grand Canyon
New York City
Niagara Falls
Alaska
San Francisco, CA
Seattle, WA
Chicago, IL
Russia
China
Japan
Ireland
Books to Read:
The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night Time (Mark Haddon)
Wuthering Heights (Emily Bronte)
Pride & Prejudice (Jane Austen)
Atonement (Ian McEwan)
Choke (Chuck Palahniuk)
The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy (Douglas Adams)
A Confederacy of Dunces (John Kennedy O'Toole)
The Belljar (Sylvia Plathe)
A Clockwork Orange (Anthony Burgess)
Naked Lunch (William Burroughs)
The Catcher in the Rye (J.D. Salinger)
1984 (George Orwell)
The Invisible Man (H.G. Wells)
The Counte of Monte Cristo (Alexandre Dumas)
The Host (Stephenie Meyer)
Saturday, June 7, 2008
It's been over a month since my last blog, and so much has happened in that month! First was the AP tests, which were not as horrible as I thought they would be...I get my results around the second week of July. Then we had prom at The Kapok Tree. We went out to dinner beforehand at some Italian restaurant called Angellino's, which was wicked expensive. Prom itself was...disappointing. Something was just missing; the DJ played crappy music, the dance floor was too small, and there was an odd awkwardness to our group the whole night due to a few conflicts (none of which directly involved me, thank God). After prom was fun though.
Hmm, let's see. Next must have been struggling through the last few classes of high school. Finals were simple, and I GRADUATED! Not that I was really worried about not graduating, but it was a lingering fear of mine until the night was over that something would go wrong--they would realize I wasn't supposed to be there, they had no diploma for me after all. But that didn't happen, and the first (very long) phase of my life is just about over. Not entirely over, since we're all still suffering from the post-graduation high, but definitely on it's way out the door. Now I need to get a job!
I'm going job-hunting this coming week, I just have to figure out a specific time when. I'm thinking I should get all dolled up (professionally dolled up, of course) and hit anywhere I can on Tuesday. Maybe I can hit Starbucks with the sequel to Twilight when I'm done. Specifically, I'm supposed to (supposed to because, well, I said so) be applying to some veterinarian's offices, in any position they'd give me. I'm a bit nervous, as I always am whenever I reach for something I think I want. I mean, what if I don't want it after all? What if they don't want me? But these sorts of thoughts are precisely the ones I'm going to be trying to ignore--in all aspects of my life. Yes, it's good to acknowledge the possible outcomes of a situation. It is not good, however, to dwell on them, or to invent utterly impossible outcomes that could only occur in my own personal hell.
With the help of the medicine I've been taking, I've been able to think clearly for what feels like the first time since I was about six years old. I've had so many epiphanies about myself over the past few weeks: I, in my own insecurity, unintentionally push my friends away, not wanting to inflict my presence upon them especially when I'm sad or angry, and it causes them to recoil from me; I may not have had a guy I really liked because I don't bother to get to know a guy after I've decided what negative stereotype he fits into (I'm pretty sure the guys I tend to like initially appear as obnoxious assholes); me starving myself is directly controlled by my emotions, subconsciously (I am bored, upset, or depressed --> I eat anything that strikes my fancy at the moment --> I decide that I'm a bad person for overeating --> If overeating = bad, then under eating = good, ergo I starve myself, knowing if I allow myself a morsel of food I will go insane on the entire kitchen). The key to controlling my eating disorder is controlling my thought process, which I haven't gotten the hang of yet, but I have the medicine to help me forget about food unless I'm hungry, for now.
What else? Oh...last week I was doing some grocery shopping. It was early afternoon, so the store was occupied only by a few sparse old people. I was only there for maybe a half an hour, and the entire time negative thoughts sprang to life in my mind: they were all looking down on me, they thought I was stupid, rude, everything bad. Why did they hate me? I didn't do anything bizarre, and I wasn't even dressed gross or teenager-y--I could have been some twenty year old mom out buying Gerber's baby food. Then I connected two and two--I hadn't taken my Adderall that morning. Once I had identified the reason, I realized my feelings of being unwanted and offensive were all unfounded; the old people's irritation at my presence existed only in my mind.
So it seems I can't really function sensibly, without the aid of medicine that I don't have a prescription for (yet). Once I acknowledged that I probably wasn't the bane of everyone's existence, the obnoxious, unwanted center of everyone's universe, it opened my eyes to the actions of my friends, and my actions towards them. Now, I'm trying to make amends. It's difficult to do with so many people at once--why does everyone want to hang out in the middle of the day? It's going to be tricky.
There have been many thoughts like this one...the realization of truths that no one knew existed until I found them. It's liberating...I just wish it had happened sooner. But, I guess now is the time. It's probably also the time for me to end this entry--it's really long enough now, I think.
'til next time!
B
Hmm, let's see. Next must have been struggling through the last few classes of high school. Finals were simple, and I GRADUATED! Not that I was really worried about not graduating, but it was a lingering fear of mine until the night was over that something would go wrong--they would realize I wasn't supposed to be there, they had no diploma for me after all. But that didn't happen, and the first (very long) phase of my life is just about over. Not entirely over, since we're all still suffering from the post-graduation high, but definitely on it's way out the door. Now I need to get a job!
I'm going job-hunting this coming week, I just have to figure out a specific time when. I'm thinking I should get all dolled up (professionally dolled up, of course) and hit anywhere I can on Tuesday. Maybe I can hit Starbucks with the sequel to Twilight when I'm done. Specifically, I'm supposed to (supposed to because, well, I said so) be applying to some veterinarian's offices, in any position they'd give me. I'm a bit nervous, as I always am whenever I reach for something I think I want. I mean, what if I don't want it after all? What if they don't want me? But these sorts of thoughts are precisely the ones I'm going to be trying to ignore--in all aspects of my life. Yes, it's good to acknowledge the possible outcomes of a situation. It is not good, however, to dwell on them, or to invent utterly impossible outcomes that could only occur in my own personal hell.
With the help of the medicine I've been taking, I've been able to think clearly for what feels like the first time since I was about six years old. I've had so many epiphanies about myself over the past few weeks: I, in my own insecurity, unintentionally push my friends away, not wanting to inflict my presence upon them especially when I'm sad or angry, and it causes them to recoil from me; I may not have had a guy I really liked because I don't bother to get to know a guy after I've decided what negative stereotype he fits into (I'm pretty sure the guys I tend to like initially appear as obnoxious assholes); me starving myself is directly controlled by my emotions, subconsciously (I am bored, upset, or depressed --> I eat anything that strikes my fancy at the moment --> I decide that I'm a bad person for overeating --> If overeating = bad, then under eating = good, ergo I starve myself, knowing if I allow myself a morsel of food I will go insane on the entire kitchen). The key to controlling my eating disorder is controlling my thought process, which I haven't gotten the hang of yet, but I have the medicine to help me forget about food unless I'm hungry, for now.
What else? Oh...last week I was doing some grocery shopping. It was early afternoon, so the store was occupied only by a few sparse old people. I was only there for maybe a half an hour, and the entire time negative thoughts sprang to life in my mind: they were all looking down on me, they thought I was stupid, rude, everything bad. Why did they hate me? I didn't do anything bizarre, and I wasn't even dressed gross or teenager-y--I could have been some twenty year old mom out buying Gerber's baby food. Then I connected two and two--I hadn't taken my Adderall that morning. Once I had identified the reason, I realized my feelings of being unwanted and offensive were all unfounded; the old people's irritation at my presence existed only in my mind.
So it seems I can't really function sensibly, without the aid of medicine that I don't have a prescription for (yet). Once I acknowledged that I probably wasn't the bane of everyone's existence, the obnoxious, unwanted center of everyone's universe, it opened my eyes to the actions of my friends, and my actions towards them. Now, I'm trying to make amends. It's difficult to do with so many people at once--why does everyone want to hang out in the middle of the day? It's going to be tricky.
There have been many thoughts like this one...the realization of truths that no one knew existed until I found them. It's liberating...I just wish it had happened sooner. But, I guess now is the time. It's probably also the time for me to end this entry--it's really long enough now, I think.
'til next time!
B
Monday, May 5, 2008
Happy Cinco de Mayo!
Well, life seems to be a delight at the moment. Friday night I think I overreacted--my friends are still my friends. Maybe it was...delayed hormones? Sympathy hormones? I don't know. Anyway, Saturday was productive until I crashed around two in the afternoon and became useless. I went to bed before eleven and didn't wake up until almost 12 noon! That's probably the latest I've slept all year. Yesterday I didn't really get much of what I had planned to done, at all, but it's alright. I read through my Euro notes, at least, which took a good hour and a half. I'm happy to say that mine seemed the most helpful and thorough--some people just listed important events/people without even bothering to go into any detail whatsoever. How is that helpful??!? Oh well. Thursday is the AP Lit test at 8:00am, then I guess we'll probably do something fun as a group. Then Mandy is supposed to spend the night so we can study Thursday night and take the practice test again. Friday is the AP European History test, at 12:00pm.
My mouth tastes gross. I need to do the teeth whitening thing/floss/brush my teeth. It's the medicine. But, I'm ecstatic to say that as of Saturday morning, I weighed 121 pounds! I haven't weighed that little in over a year--not since I got back from North Carolina last year. I haven't weighed myself since then since I had a cheat weekend, but today I'm back on target. I tried on my prom dress and it looks even better than before. Less Beyonce, more of what I want to be. :] AND I didn't touch my face all weekend. This morning after my shower, I was astounded to see how clear my skin was! It didn't even look bad without makeup. There are still a few spots that are healing, but only four or five as opposed to the previous billion, and there's only ONE pimple. Just from not picking at my face for two days! It's amazing what a change some consistency can make. At this rate, I feel like one day relatively soon I can look the way I have wanted to look for so long, which helps my self esteem greatly and makes me feel less hopeless--even hopeful, for the future.
The only complaint I have is that my hair is not as blond as I want it to be. I think the highlights are fading already...blegh. Oh well. Saturday is prom! I'm getting my hair done at 3:30pm, which reminds me...I need to print out that picture of Blake Lively to bring in so my hair looks how I want it to. Unfortunately it won't be as long as I'd like, but it will be pretty nonetheless. This afternoon I have an appointment with Dr. Sinclaire, and then an appointment to get a Mystic Tan--yay! Oh to have even, dark-ish skin...it will be lovely. Hopefully it won't fade by Saturday.
I'm sad to say that for occasions like prom, I wish I had never joined band. Then I would be close with the other kids--the ones who know how to party and have crazy fun. Actually, this whole time of year would be nice to be part of their group again. Grad parties, prom, everything...I like that world sometimes. Too bad you can't have both. But hey, it's my fault I'm not part of that anymore...I never went to any of the parties they threw because I was too shy! I wonder what path I would have gone down if I HAD gone to the parties, if I hadn't joined band...it's something to think about.
I should probably get to school by second period, but it's too late for that...I'll have to make third. What time does it start? Uhh...I think 10:30am. Ughhh I don't want to go to government. It's so boring. But it's for less than an hour, I need to just suck it up and go. I should leave the house by 10:25am, I think, since Stratty's class is near my parking spot. That gives me an hour and 25 minutes to get ready. Maybe I'll go browse clothes I wish I had the money to buy for a bit, haha. I need a job. Where should I get one....?
B
My mouth tastes gross. I need to do the teeth whitening thing/floss/brush my teeth. It's the medicine. But, I'm ecstatic to say that as of Saturday morning, I weighed 121 pounds! I haven't weighed that little in over a year--not since I got back from North Carolina last year. I haven't weighed myself since then since I had a cheat weekend, but today I'm back on target. I tried on my prom dress and it looks even better than before. Less Beyonce, more of what I want to be. :] AND I didn't touch my face all weekend. This morning after my shower, I was astounded to see how clear my skin was! It didn't even look bad without makeup. There are still a few spots that are healing, but only four or five as opposed to the previous billion, and there's only ONE pimple. Just from not picking at my face for two days! It's amazing what a change some consistency can make. At this rate, I feel like one day relatively soon I can look the way I have wanted to look for so long, which helps my self esteem greatly and makes me feel less hopeless--even hopeful, for the future.
The only complaint I have is that my hair is not as blond as I want it to be. I think the highlights are fading already...blegh. Oh well. Saturday is prom! I'm getting my hair done at 3:30pm, which reminds me...I need to print out that picture of Blake Lively to bring in so my hair looks how I want it to. Unfortunately it won't be as long as I'd like, but it will be pretty nonetheless. This afternoon I have an appointment with Dr. Sinclaire, and then an appointment to get a Mystic Tan--yay! Oh to have even, dark-ish skin...it will be lovely. Hopefully it won't fade by Saturday.
I'm sad to say that for occasions like prom, I wish I had never joined band. Then I would be close with the other kids--the ones who know how to party and have crazy fun. Actually, this whole time of year would be nice to be part of their group again. Grad parties, prom, everything...I like that world sometimes. Too bad you can't have both. But hey, it's my fault I'm not part of that anymore...I never went to any of the parties they threw because I was too shy! I wonder what path I would have gone down if I HAD gone to the parties, if I hadn't joined band...it's something to think about.
I should probably get to school by second period, but it's too late for that...I'll have to make third. What time does it start? Uhh...I think 10:30am. Ughhh I don't want to go to government. It's so boring. But it's for less than an hour, I need to just suck it up and go. I should leave the house by 10:25am, I think, since Stratty's class is near my parking spot. That gives me an hour and 25 minutes to get ready. Maybe I'll go browse clothes I wish I had the money to buy for a bit, haha. I need a job. Where should I get one....?
B
Friday, May 2, 2008
We didn't have school today...it was nice. This weekend I have a billion things to do, though. Tonight is Relay for Life up at the track; I was there earlier but it was just sort of depressing for a lot of reasons. I couldn't stay, so I came home and cried. I also went through all my purses and got all the trash and change out, haha.
To Do [this weekend]:
-draw the painting outline (for 1st period)
-go over the AP Euro Practice Test
-cut out the Mandala pieces
-put one of the American Government books in my backpack
-write the essay analyzing the poems (for Lit)
-read/Sparknote As I Lay Dying
-go through the AP Euro Review Notes
-define unknown terms/events
-study AP Lit terms
-read some of Confederacy of Dunces while in the pool
-finish the drawing for Mother's Day
-clean my bedroom
-clean up bathroom
-clean toilet
-clean sink
-clean tub
-clean mirrors
-organize under sink
-practice some saxophone
-buy a 9x12 frame
-exchange prom necklace at Kohl's
-paint nails
-put away clothes
-put away all purses
-go through and clean out all purses
To Do [this weekend]:
-draw the painting outline (for 1st period)
-go over the AP Euro Practice Test
-cut out the Mandala pieces
-put one of the American Government books in my backpack
-write the essay analyzing the poems (for Lit)
-read/Sparknote As I Lay Dying
-define unknown terms/events
-study AP Lit terms
-read some of Confederacy of Dunces while in the pool
-finish the drawing for Mother's Day
-clean my bedroom
-clean tub
-clean mirrors
-organize under sink
-buy a 9x12 frame
-exchange prom necklace at Kohl's
-put away clothes
Wednesday, April 30, 2008
I don't even know how to put into words all the things I am thinking and feeling. My mind jumps from subject to subject to subject to subject and preoccupies me, keeping me from doing anything productive. I hate myself. I have to get ready now, I'll see if I can cake enough makeup on my face to cover my disgustingly blotchy skin and maybe I'll be able to find clothes baggy enough to hide my offensively large stomach and arms.
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